Time, we are told in law school, is the resource of an attorney. With this saying, we think that time can be limited, can be stamped, can be formulated by currency. It is this ideal that added to my thoughts that I’ve wasted time…not speaking my truth, not doing enough by and at a certain age, and in a relationship that ultimately ended.
I spent seven years with a wonderful person. Our interests were in sync and definitely our humour. But there was always something that held me back from being my true self, out of fear of rejection physically or even fear of a lack of connection. Evidently, by the end of the sixth year my feelings became toxic and I began to push away someone who was truly a great person. It was only after doing this and encouraging him to apply for a great opportunity in film, that we drifted further apart. Truths were revealed, including an admittance of his unhappiness and his longing to find himself.
I was bitter and blamed him for wasting my time.
Months later (after reconnecting with nature, finding meditation, making a commitment to go to classes, reading articles and speaking more openly with persons I love and new persons alike), I realised that no one wasted my time and I surely didn’t waste my own.
Time is labelled but we are not controlled by time. Each experience that comes to us becomes part of our lives because it is the right “time”…is this confusing? The gist of my realisation is that time cannot be wasted if we think of events occurring when they should, not according to time but according to the “universe.”
This is exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment. It’s a lesson I learnt with more feeling and less thought. Now I do everything with an open sense of feeling and mindfulness. There are days when I stumble, when I am sad; But I embrace the sadness and remind myself that this is also a feeling that is teaching me something right now.
I’ve learnt that labelling things by time and words attracts to us confusion and frustration. Words can only try to translate a fraction of what we truly feel because the words themselves are derived from other words. Time is an excuse, a pressure and a reason we attach to things. But time and words are no match for true feelings of self, and knowing self is trusting in that feeling, believing without cynicism or fear that we are all here where we need to be—Now.